Last night I lived a nightmare and of those who knew Shan which I consulted with, everyone came to the same conclusion, he had been taken away.

Today of all things I got an e-mail from Shan telling me he wasn't taken away and that he's not connected to the government and I can see language leaves a lot to be desired. I am truly sorry for upsetting anyone here who read that message, but it was the only conclusion I could draw at the time.

But throughout this day I had a lot of time to think about him and how much he has touched my life and made it richer and I realized how lucky I was. I've never known anyone who I thought was worthy of that kind of emotion. I hope nothing like that ever happens again as I don't think I'm up to it.

A few weeks ago when I was in the hospital and I couldn't talk to anyone I knew I had plenty of time to think about all of the things I hadn't done and how much was left undone. I hope by sharing these few words some of you will think about these things. As my daughter is only 20 I knew she wouldn't know much of what to do if something happened to me so when she came up here it wasn't to go to San Francisco with me, it was to get things in order. We had a nice visit and on the way back from the city I was really tired and the traffic was bothering me and she said, "Mom, you used to drive formula one cars, what's your problem." I said, "You're right" and hit the pedal to metal and went for it. And before she left I made sure she had my life insurance policy in her hand and we went through what to do with everything as well.

The geologist that accosted me the other night was one third of my leading man Dr. Weinstock and now I don't know what to do with him. This week that was on my list of things to finish, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He's been living in my head for seven wonderful years and he was flawless, so now I'm at a loss. Having a romantic fantasy about three scientists for seven years was pretty amazing. I'll think about it some more.

Life should be a rich and colorful taspestry, so that in the end what we have woven is a marvelous design, rich in color, full of our own special patterns and thought of in a way that is truly unique and individual.

I hope I've said all of this correctly and if I haven't, remember God broke the mold when he created me.

Petra