Hi All,

You find the strangest things when you really don't know what you're looking for, the following is a case in point.

Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: HOW EARTHQUAKES ARE TRIGGERED - The Race Has Begun, June 23, 2000
Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 09:54:34 GMT
X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium

>
> TO: WORLD GOVERNMENTS
> TO: INTERNATIONAL DISASTER RESPONSE GROUP PERSONNEL
> TO: GEOPHYSICISTS, GEOLOGISTS, OTHER INTERESTED PARTIES
>

> Date: June 23, 2000
> Posted to: sci.geo.earthquakes, Other Newsgroups
> Also circulated by e-mail
>
> TABLE OF CONTENTS
>
> (1) A PROPOSED EARTHQUAKE TRIGGERING PROCESS COMPUTER PROGRAM

Cool! I can't wait to buy my copy of that! Do I have to attach a
subwoofer to my computer to use it?

> [...much blather elided...]
>
> (3) A RECOMMENDATION FOR NEWSGROUP READERS
>
> If you and your loved ones live near an active earthquake
> fault zone then I recommend that you make copies of this report
> and send them to your local government officials, scientific
> groups, and news services for review. If you do not, and you
> someday discover yourself sitting in a small, dark air pocket
> waiting for Search and Rescue team personnel to dig through tons
> of earthquake related collapsed building rubble to find you, who
> should you blame?

But... sci.physics _is_ a small, dark air pocket.

The difference is that I'm waiting for the Search And Destroy personnel
to come and find _you_.

> The information presented in this report represents expressions
> of personal opinion. Its contents are protected by applicable
> U.S. and foreign copyright laws.

What about _alien_ copyright laws, huh? YOU FORGOT TO COPYRIGHT YOUR
RANTINGS ON MARS, YOU BOZO! I'm gonna set up a Napster server on Mars
just to deprive you of all the royalties you would otherwise get
when other people read your screed!

Also I'm gonna let Kevin Costner have the movie rights. And it'll
feature Corey Haim as Terl! Plus a special cameo by Ronald McDonald
as himself... breakdancing! And a surprise appearance by Naked Bob Hope!
Every ten seconds!

> It would be appreciated if Newsgroup responses to this notice
> were posted to only the sci.geo.earthquakes Newsgroup. Thanks.

It would be appreciated if you gave me all the candy in the world,
in the form of a giant orbital Pez dispenser. Please put the licorice
near the bottom end so I don't have to eat it to get to the Twizzlers.

> (4) THE EARTHQUAKE TRIGGERING EQUATION
>
> S(t) = aA + bB + cC + dD + eE + ...

GENIUS! You've finally discovered an equation which is printed on a
cardboard strip above the top of the chalkboard in every kindergarten
in the world!

> S(t) is the accumulated strain needed to trigger an earthquake in
> a particular fault zone.
>
> A B C D E ... are forces, or phenomena which cause strain to
> accumulate in fault zones.
>
> a b c d e ... are factors which indicate how important a
> particular strain generating force or phenomenon is for a given
> earthquake.

So, there are 26 factors which trigger earthquakes in the United States,
but more in Japan?

> The first and most important term "aA" would of course represent

the last word spoken by a guy stepping off the edge of a tectonic plate
into the magma.

> the movement of tectonic plates relative to one another etc.
> Those processes contribute most of the strain to a fault zone.
>
> bB cC dD eE ... would represent forces or phenomena such as the
> gravitational pulls of the sun and the moon, ocean tides, and the
> solid earth tide which might temporarily or permanently add
> enough additional strain to a fault zone to trigger an
> earthquake.

Oh, yes. The solid earth tide. Cause by the Earth pulling on itself.

FROM ITS HIDING POINT ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE MOON WHERE WE CAN'T SEE IT!
THE EARTH GOES THERE WHILE WE SLEEP! STUPID SNEAKY EARTH!

> [...much more bozo blather about how the Moon drags tectonic plates
> back and forth snipped away...]

I apologize for deleting most of this brilliant theory, but I had to
because the article was so massive that it was about to cause an earthquake.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go Moon-proof my windows so that
the lunar gravity won't rearrange my furniture.

-- K.

It's like "Space: 1999"
only BACKWARDS.