Hi All,

It's almost Friday and if half of you are as tired as I am, a little genuine humor is in order. That's one thing we don't share a lot on this board, but Canie, Mistress of Ceremonies, I hope you'll allow this indulgence.

Movin' to Florida?

April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love
it already. Now this is a state that knows
how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the
sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not
a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home
and drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a real sun worshiper.

June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical
plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me.
NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 2nd:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all
week, not even at night. Where are those
ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot.
Getting used to it will take a while, I guess. I
sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have
to remember not to leave anything made out of
plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy
steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn
ointment for my hands. I always wondered
what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns
over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work,
what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ole' sun in a climate
like this.

July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I
left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot
car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a
shopping bag and just as I opened the door he
exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery.
I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like
Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Ocean breezes, not quite.. Hot is hot!! The home air
conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a
hurricane.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three
nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes
that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 on darn house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did
I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed
today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down
to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the
house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran
me off the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?"
I'm going to tear his head off. Darn heat! By the time
I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are
soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a darn
recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot
for two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. And whoever came up
with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you
don't have to shovel it" should die from heat
exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this place??

Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hxll!!! Temperature got to 102 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield
out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said,
"Hot enough for you today?".
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to
bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house.
The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is
to make it muggier than hxll and drove the darned
roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could
fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the
Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it,
we're moving back to New York where all you have to
worry about is getting mugged.

I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba

(Not Sponsored By The Florida Board Of Tourism)